I wish to be a frog

I took these photos of a frog a few years ago while working a job. I was out doing my morning work and I stumbled upon this little frog hiding in the grass. I was so intrigued with how it blended in with the green grass and morning dew. I stooped and marveled at it for probably a good five minutes. I stared at this beautiful create in awe and jealousy. I wished that I could be like this frog and just blend in with my surroundings, to fit in. Most of all, I was jealous of the frog's calmness.

Quite frequently, I wish I could blend with everyone else, my surroundings. I wish to melt into the masses. To be like everyone else. I'm socially inept. I am introverted. I'm awkward. I don't know how to have small talk. I tell dumb jokes. I laugh at inappropriate times. I don't understand other people and their social interactions. I don't know what to do at networking events or social gatherings. I frequently sit alone in a corner watching everyone else. I try so fucking hard to be like everyone else, but I fail. I try so hard to make friends, to start relationships, to talk to people. To connect. I just want to connect.

I'm on the outside looking in. I thought this phase would end when I left high school.

I'd fully blame the disconnect on technology, but in my case, I know that's not the issue. I have spent my entire life building walls to keep people away from me. I have created my own disconnection from the world and I have no clue how to reconnect the pieces. How do I start? Where do I start?

This disconnect from my world creates so much unrest, so much anxiety and fear, that I am jealous of this frog's calmness. He sits so still, so calm, just watching me. He doesn't squirm or run away, even though he has no idea if I am friend or foe. He calmly waits for me to leave his space. He is braver than I am.

Me, on the other hand? I fidget. I'm uncomfortable. People looking at me or talking to me makes me nervous. Anyone even remotely close to invading my personal bubble puts me on edge. The anxiety from being in social situations actually prevents me for even attending events. I feel like people have to twist my arms and drag me. A lot of my life is spent at home by myself binge watching Netflix. But even being at home doesn't put the anxiety at bay because I feel guilty for bailing on plans or not following through. I feel lonely. I feel stressed. I don't know how to be calm, to be at peace with myself and my environment.

I have been trying to meditate to calm myself, but I find myself making to-do lists and that brings me more anxiety. Sometimes I meditate and I find myself in a heap of tears and wailing in sadness.

Sometimes I just wish to be like this calm frog who obviously fits in his surroundings. I want that.

Edit 6/16/15:

Today I found this quote from the Dalai Lama and it was perfectly timed.

"Our state of mind plays a major role in our day-to-day experiences as well as our physical and mental well-being. If a person has a calm and stable mind, this influences his or her attitude and behavior in relation to others. In other words, if someone remains in a peaceful and tranquil state of mind, external surroundings can cause them only a limited disturbance."