Introduction

Hello, my name will remain anonymous, but you may call me OneBraveStep. This blog is the story of my brave steps to recovery. I will keep myself, and the people mentioned, in my blog anonymous. I am a woman in my 20s who has remained silent and protecting her abuser for almost two decades. He doesn't deserve protection. It is time that I finally speak.

I experienced recurrent sexual trauma as a child. I cannot tell you for how long, but it started when I was about 5 years old. My memories are slightly hazy and I haven't decided if that's a good or bad thing. My therapist tells me this is common for children who experience traumatic events. I do not remember everything. I cannot give an exact timeline. I cannot tell you what he did or said to me to keep my silence. I cannot remember a lot, but as I have been confronting the memories that I do recall, more have been unsealed from my vaulted mind and I have begun painfully piecing together my past. I have begun the process of putting myself back together, one jagged fragment at a time.

I have been in therapy for awhile now. I finally broke that silence. I reported to the police a year ago. Reporting has not changed anything for me. If anything, it has made me more angry. No charges have been pressed against my abuser, and I feel that police are reluctant to investigate since it's been twenty years are there is not any evidence to prove his guilt. The detective who caught my case interviewed my abuser and of course the vile asshole denied it all. It's just my recollection, and the recollection of others who were involved, who may not be willing to take the brave step I took to break the silence. It's my word against his, and I feel like his word won. It is discouraging that nothing is moving forward with my case, but I have to take solace in the fact that I bravely stood up and said, "Yes, he harmed me and I will NOT remain silent any longer."

This trauma has caused me a lot of pain in my life. I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. I have felt guilty, shameful, dirty, broken, unhappy, unworthy, undeserving of love and affection, suicidal, self depreciation, and a myriad of other feelings for far too long. Why is it me who feels this way? Why doesn't he feel this way? Why do I blame myself? I was a little girl. He was the adult. I have dealt with this emotional pain for too long. It has affected my relationships. It has prevented me from forming romantic bonds. It has prevented me from moving forward. I feel stuck. It's time that I confront it and allow myself to move on; which is much easier said than done.

What will my life look like when I've finally moved on and put this behind me? What will I be like when I've learned to forgive him and be more compassionate? What will I feel like? I want to know this version of myself so badly. I cannot wait to see this life. For the first time in a long time, I feel hopeful. I look forward to the future.