Trusting myself to date

I'm starting to date. Well, mostly just talking... But I did go on a date this past Friday night and it was really awesome! (I will elaborate on the date in a bit.) This is the first date I've been on in several years. It felt different this time though. It's really hard to put into words how relocating seems to make dating easier for me. I've written previously about how I was, in a sense, running away from my past when I relocated. I think relocating was a huge step in the right direction for my healing process. I've never felt happier, never felt more relaxed than I do now. It's been freeing.

As I said, I'm dating/talking to people. It's exciting and anxiety-inducing all at once. I think I'm finally at a point in my life where I'm ready for something more serious, and that scares the shit out of me. Serious relationships terrify me. When a relationship starts to become serious, there is boundary where I've never been able to cross. I've never been able to be vulnerable with someone else in such an intimate manner. That is why I've never had a serious relationship before. I have never been able to open up before.

I had always preferred casual relationships. Sex without attachment. It's less complicated, less messy. I don't have to tell them my thoughts and feelings; it's not expected. I don't have to get to know him; it's not expected. I never have to be emotionally intimate. And when things become too serious for me, I just end it. These relationships have formed out of physical needs and I rejected anything that became emotional. Because I could not handle emotion. I would blame it on being busy or focused on school, but it was really because I wasn't ready to tackle my demons and share the experience with another human being.

Now, I'm ready.

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I went on a date with this guy Friday evening. We met at a local coffee shop and spent three hours together talking. We talked about our lives and our families and where we grew up. We talked about religion and politics and international travels. We talked about our jobs and our future goals. Eventually we were holding hands across the table and staring deeply into each others eyes. (No joke! It was intense!) It didn't seem like three hours. When I finally noticed the time, I apologized because I had to leave. I had promised my friends that I'd hangout with them and when I finally checked my phone I had several missed calls and unanswered texts. He walked me to me car, holding my hand and then we hugged goodnight. He asked me out for a second date. He was very kind and respectful. It was such an intense date. The last three years have been focused on myself and healing, and I've been celibate for the entire time. The act of holding hands with this guy had me so aroused; I couldn't believe it! I texted my best friend back home about it and she said, "I think actually that kind of touch can be pretty sensual..." I couldn't agree more.

I'm also talking to this other guy who lives about an hour and a half from me. We haven't met yet, but we've been talking for about a month now. We are finally planning to meet two weeks from now. I'm going to drive to his hometown, since I haven't been there before, and he's going to show me around the city. I think it'll be fun. I like this guy already, he seems really nice. I feel like I can really open up to him and it doesn't hurt that he's actually a therapist either. I was just telling him last night that he had really found his calling because it's really easy to talk to him. I can imagine his clients just opening up to him immediately because I have to hold myself back and only let a little crazy out at a time.

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This is exciting, but I also feel anxious and nervous about dating. That's natural, yes?

It's going to be strange for me. I have mixed feelings about dating. I'm doubtful that I can maintain something serious. I'm anxious about getting serious with someone. It means that when things become serious, I will have to tell them about my dark past. I will have to open up and be emotionally intimate. I will have to be vulnerable. I will have to trust them. I'm afraid to trust. I'm afraid of giving someone my trust and yet again, it being betrayed.

I trusted Voldemort once. I trusted that he would take care of me and then he fucked with me. He got in my head and twisted my thinking. He took my trust and defiled it with his body. It makes me want to never trust someone again.

I swear that I saw him

Over the weekend I had a friend from home visit me in my new town. She and I went to a restaurant for lunch. When we walked inside, there was a table to my right with four guys in it. One of them reminded me of Voldemort. His hair style and color, his facial appearance. I could have sworn that I was staring at him 20 years ago. I stood frozen. I was terrified. I knew it wasn't him. He's 20 years older and he's in prison, but it just brought me back to that time as a child. My friend brought me back to reality and dragged me to a table. Thankfully out of view of that guy. I sat with my friend and tried to enjoy our meal and forget about him. My heart raced the entire time.

Letter to my sister

I wrote my sister a letter. It took me nearly two weeks before I finally mailed it. My sister and I are not close and it felt foreign to try and connect with her. I don't even know her phone number, I don't know where she lives, and I really don't know her. I know her based on my perception and judgment of her life decisions. And I'm realizing that some of those "decisions" may not be consciously made. Some of her actions are predetermined by her past experiences, and as such are not an extension of what she wants for herself. Her actions and decisions are decided by something else, and I need to be more understanding.

So I wrote her a letter. Specifically, I wrote her because last Thanksgiving we were at my parents' place for dinner. She brought her boyfriend to dinner and apparently he wasn't feel well. My sister was in the room off the kitchen with her boyfriend and our stepdad and she was insisting that her boyfriend do something. I don't really know what they were talking about, but her boyfriend kept saying "no" and she kept insisting. She said to him, "I don't take no for an answer." It really bothered me and I walked into the room and said to my sister, "No means no. If he doesn't want to do something, leave it be. Would you like it if someone forced you to do something?" To which she responded with something like, "Many people haven't listened when I told them no." That made my heart break. I quickly told her, "Well, that wasn't right and no one deserves that. You should respect your boyfriend though." This interaction with her has bothered me since. I feel like a shitty sister. I didn't protect her.

I wrote about this incident to her. And then I told her about...Voldemort. (It brings me too much anxiety to even write or speak his name, so he is Voldemort. Or He Who Must Not Be Named.) I told her about when we were little and we were babysat by grandma in the summer while our parents worked. I told her about how grandma would leave for work in the afternoon and leave Voldemort in charge to babysit us. I told her I tried to protect her by making her go play outside or in another room. I didn't want him to touch her and hurt her like he did to me. (Thinking on it right now, I didn't want to share him with her. Isn't that so fucked up how someone can mess with your mind?! I mean, I knew that it was wrong on some level. I remember feeling guilty after our "special time" together so I knew that whatever was happening was wrong. On the other hand, I believed that I was special and I didn't want to lessen the special-ness of our time together by including my little sister. So when I excluded her as a child, it wasn't out of protection, it was because I was selfish. Because Voldemort not only fucked with my body, but fucked with my mind.)

I told her that I loved her and that I'm sorry that I didn't say anything sooner and that I didn't protect her. I told her that I wish and hope that nothing like this happened to her by Voldemort or anyone else, but if it had, I would listen. And I would believe her. I told her that I hope she can begin to heal and move past it all if someone had violated her boundaries. I told her that boundaries are okay and that people should respect them. I apologized for not being supportive previously.

I hope my letter gives her strength.

Removing the toxic feelings

"Feelings of anger, bitterness, and hate are negative. If I kept those inside me they would spoil my body and my health. They are of no use." -The Dalai Lama

I wholeheartedly believe this is true, which is why I desperately want to shed the negative feelings I carry with me. I think I'm making progress.

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It has been a few months since I last posted something, and you know what I'm not going to do? Apologize. This blog is for me; I write for myself not for you. This is my story.

I have met some really awesome people in the last few months and I'm so happy. I feel like this is the happiest I have been in a long time, if I've even been this happy before. I think the relocation improved my outlook on life. I'm not saying that I'm "cured" and that my life will be smiles and rainbows from now on, but I feel like I finally have a chance of winning this battle.

In my last counseling session I told my therapist that I'm afraid. I'm afraid that this high, this happiness I'm feel will vanish soon and I'll be left in my negative thoughts and feelings again. I'm afraid to become like I was. I'm afraid that I might spiral into that pit where I can't come back up. I'm terrified that I might feel so low again that I want to kill myself and my closest friends, who would not let me be alone the last time I was suicidal, are hundreds of miles away. It may be irrational fear, but it's there and I feel like this fear is lurking and just waiting to pounce at the right moment. I understand that all emotions and feelings are impermanent, and that I cannot always be happy, but I know my history and history tells me that when I'm not happy, I'm deeply depressed.

So I'm working hard now in my moments of happiness to continue building a positive network of friends who I can lean on in my dark hours, when and if it returns. I'm working hard now to build myself up and shed negative thoughts so that I won't have as many later.

My plan might actually work. Or that's just the optimism talking.