I wholeheartedly believe this is true, which is why I desperately want to shed the negative feelings I carry with me. I think I'm making progress.
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It has been a few months since I last posted something, and you know what I'm not going to do? Apologize. This blog is for me; I write for myself not for you. This is my story.
I have met some really awesome people in the last few months and I'm so happy. I feel like this is the happiest I have been in a long time, if I've even been this happy before. I think the relocation improved my outlook on life. I'm not saying that I'm "cured" and that my life will be smiles and rainbows from now on, but I feel like I finally have a chance of winning this battle.
In my last counseling session I told my therapist that I'm afraid. I'm afraid that this high, this happiness I'm feel will vanish soon and I'll be left in my negative thoughts and feelings again. I'm afraid to become like I was. I'm afraid that I might spiral into that pit where I can't come back up. I'm terrified that I might feel so low again that I want to kill myself and my closest friends, who would not let me be alone the last time I was suicidal, are hundreds of miles away. It may be irrational fear, but it's there and I feel like this fear is lurking and just waiting to pounce at the right moment. I understand that all emotions and feelings are impermanent, and that I cannot always be happy, but I know my history and history tells me that when I'm not happy, I'm deeply depressed.
So I'm working hard now in my moments of happiness to continue building a positive network of friends who I can lean on in my dark hours, when and if it returns. I'm working hard now to build myself up and shed negative thoughts so that I won't have as many later.
My plan might actually work. Or that's just the optimism talking.
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