Letter to my sister

I wrote my sister a letter. It took me nearly two weeks before I finally mailed it. My sister and I are not close and it felt foreign to try and connect with her. I don't even know her phone number, I don't know where she lives, and I really don't know her. I know her based on my perception and judgment of her life decisions. And I'm realizing that some of those "decisions" may not be consciously made. Some of her actions are predetermined by her past experiences, and as such are not an extension of what she wants for herself. Her actions and decisions are decided by something else, and I need to be more understanding.

So I wrote her a letter. Specifically, I wrote her because last Thanksgiving we were at my parents' place for dinner. She brought her boyfriend to dinner and apparently he wasn't feel well. My sister was in the room off the kitchen with her boyfriend and our stepdad and she was insisting that her boyfriend do something. I don't really know what they were talking about, but her boyfriend kept saying "no" and she kept insisting. She said to him, "I don't take no for an answer." It really bothered me and I walked into the room and said to my sister, "No means no. If he doesn't want to do something, leave it be. Would you like it if someone forced you to do something?" To which she responded with something like, "Many people haven't listened when I told them no." That made my heart break. I quickly told her, "Well, that wasn't right and no one deserves that. You should respect your boyfriend though." This interaction with her has bothered me since. I feel like a shitty sister. I didn't protect her.

I wrote about this incident to her. And then I told her about...Voldemort. (It brings me too much anxiety to even write or speak his name, so he is Voldemort. Or He Who Must Not Be Named.) I told her about when we were little and we were babysat by grandma in the summer while our parents worked. I told her about how grandma would leave for work in the afternoon and leave Voldemort in charge to babysit us. I told her I tried to protect her by making her go play outside or in another room. I didn't want him to touch her and hurt her like he did to me. (Thinking on it right now, I didn't want to share him with her. Isn't that so fucked up how someone can mess with your mind?! I mean, I knew that it was wrong on some level. I remember feeling guilty after our "special time" together so I knew that whatever was happening was wrong. On the other hand, I believed that I was special and I didn't want to lessen the special-ness of our time together by including my little sister. So when I excluded her as a child, it wasn't out of protection, it was because I was selfish. Because Voldemort not only fucked with my body, but fucked with my mind.)

I told her that I loved her and that I'm sorry that I didn't say anything sooner and that I didn't protect her. I told her that I wish and hope that nothing like this happened to her by Voldemort or anyone else, but if it had, I would listen. And I would believe her. I told her that I hope she can begin to heal and move past it all if someone had violated her boundaries. I told her that boundaries are okay and that people should respect them. I apologized for not being supportive previously.

I hope my letter gives her strength.