It happened...

Last night, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate and something triggered a flashback. I immediately tensed up and didn't know what to say. I wanted to scream to him to get off me and stop touching me. Being extremely intuitive, he noticed and stopped what he was doing. He asked me what was wrong, and I curled up into a ball and began to sob. My boyfriend kept asking what I needed I didn't know what I needed or how to communicate this and it made me even sadder. I sobbed harder. He kept trying to embrace me and I kept curling away from him, trying to make myself disappear into the mattress. I wanted him to comfort me, but I didn't know how. I also wanted him to leave. I felt like I was breaking apart. My mind was swimming in emotions that I couldn't process immediately. I felt like a child again. I felt like that helpless little girl that I once was. I felt this intense fear from the flashback. I felt like I was drowning in my own sorrow and fear. But he threw me a lifeline. He kept talking to me. He reminded me that he was here for me; reminding me of where I was and who I was with. He brought me back from the flashback. It probably took me a half hour to really calm down, but he talked me through it.

During the flashback I felt fear, but after I calmed down, I felt this intense sadness that this happened while with my boyfriend. I hoped I wouldn't experience a flashback like this. I hadn't until then, and I kept thinking that maybe I wouldn't. It felt terrible that I did experience this while with him. I didn't know how to communicate with him. I didn't know what I wanted or needed from him. I still feel a sort of raw sadness from it. I love him and I don't want him to think that it was anything that he did or said that caused it. It wasn't him. I love the way he touches me and explores my body with varying fierceness and gentleness. I love the way he makes love to me. I cannot explain why I reacted like I did last night to something that he had already done to me. I think that is what saddens me most; that I cannot explain to him, or myself, why I reacted so violently to a touch or a sensation that on previous occasions I had enjoyed very much.

I am so grateful though, because he stayed there with me and didn't freak out. He calmly talked to me and told me it was okay. He embraced me with such compassion and understanding that it almost hurt. I continued to weep in his arms, not because of the fear or sadness of the flashback, but because of the compassion, patience, and understanding he showed me. I feel so lucky to have found him.