The Boyfriend

I have a boyfriend. It feels weird to type/say that. I have a boyfriend and he’s wonderful.

I mentioned in my last post that I met a guy for coffee--the intense hand-holding guy. That's him. He's the boyfriend. It has been an intense, exciting, and scary whirlwind with him. Here are the details...

We went on that awesome coffee first date. Then two days later I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk. During the first date we found out that we live within a mile from each other and it was kind of perfect because my girlfriends who I usually walk or run with were not available and it was dusk. He met me near my apartments and we walked to a nearby park, hand-in-hand. Eventually he kissed me. Oh. My. Goodness. The way he kissed me. It took my breath away. I have never in my life been kissed with such gentle intensity. I kept thinking to myself that I can only imagine how he would make love to me. I didn't want to go home. I wanted to stay in the park for the rest of my life with him kissing me.

Later that week, maybe two or three days after the walk, we went for a hike after work. We ended up getting lost in the woods for a bit as the sun set. It was like a scary movie and I was that person leading everyone into the forest to slaughter. Only I didn't intend for any gory things to occur. And I was prepared with flashlights. :) We survived the forest at night and then he took me to dinner. After dinner, we parked the car just up the street from my apartment and sat outside on a bench in the park. And we just kissed and talked and kissed and talked. And I fell in love.

It sounds so strange to say that after three dates that I was falling in love. And he was too! He told me that night on the bench that he was falling in love with me. He told me such sweet things that night and I nearly wept on his shoulder. We cuddled on that bench until past midnight when I was falling asleep and he insisted that he take me home.

The next evening we hung out again. We went up to the park that he first kissed me and we sat on a bench overlooking the neighborhood. And we talked and kissed and watched as deer flooded the park at night to graze. It started to get chilly and he wanted to take me home, but I didn't want to go home just then. He suggested that we could go sit outside on the balcony at his place and I said okay. So we went back to his place, which was a total mess by the way, and we decided to watch a movie. And kissed a lot. Eventually he asked me to stay the night, and I was reluctant, which he sensed and he emphasized that he wasn't asking me to fool around or anything, but that he just wanted me to sleep next to him. I agreed to stay. We didn't really watch the movie though because we kept kissing, which did led to touching. Me touching him mostly. He tried to touch me and I would tell him no. I was so nervous. One thing that I wanted to do was tell the person I was dating about the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. I wanted the person to be aware that if things progressed, that I may withdraw or I may react a certain way. I wanted to be open with this person. I wanted to make sure they knew about this and that it is not a reaction of them, but my trauma. So I was scared and I didn't want him to touch me. But I touched him and it turned me on so much. I wanted more. My heart, body, and soul wanted more of him. And I did the scariest thing possible: I told him about my past. He was quiet and I was afraid that he didn't want me anymore. I was afraid that he was angry (which is totally absurd, by the way). After a moment, I asked him what he was thinking and if he was angry. And he said that yes he was angry. He was angry that this happened to me and he wanted to find Voldemort and harm him. He said he was sad that I experienced this suffering. He said he didn't want me to ever experience such pain again. He didn't want me to ever feel such loneliness again. I told him about the abuse and the depression I suffer that evening. That evening I told him, very briefly, about how deep and dark my sadness goes, about how only a little over a year ago, I was planning to kill myself. I revealed more about myself to him in one evening than I ever thought I would reveal. And he responded so well. He communicated with me and held me as I cried. He told me sweet things and that he is there for me. He told me he loved me and we fell asleep in each other's arms.

I was falling so hard for this guy. I kept thinking that this only happens in movies. No one falls in love this quickly. But then what was happening to me? Why did I feel this intense attraction to him? Not just a physical, primal, sexual attraction, but this metaphysical attraction. Like his soul was calling out for me. Even though by this time I had only known him a week, I felt like I had known him for years. He feels so familiar to me. I feel at ease with him. I have never felt so comfortable with someone. I felt this sense of peace wash over me the moment I met him. Does love at first sight actually happen??

After that evening with him, he took me home in the morning and I went out of town for the weekend. When I returned, he brought me dinner and stayed the night with me. That night he made love to me for the first time and it was wonderful.

He stayed over every night that week. And I started to feel unsure of things. I felt myself withdrawing and I really needed my space, but I had trouble communicating to him. I eventually told him that we needed boundaries, and that I cannot spend all my time with him. I was neglecting my friends. I told him that I like my alone time to process my thoughts and emotions. He respected my wishes. A few days later I got sick, and he brought me cough syrup, chocolate, and roses. Which complicated things because I wanted to breakup with him. I was feeling overwhelmed with the intensity of things between him and I. I was overwhelmed by his intensity. I wasn't communicating with him effectively enough. I wasn't conveying my needs to him. That wasn't fair to him. I wasn't sure that I could love him. I wasn't sure if I was falling in love with him, if I was in love with him, or if I was just in love with the idea of being in love with him. I was caught up in the whirlwind of him that I didn't give myself the time to figure things out for myself. So I stopped talking to him and when we were together while I was sick, I blamed me being sick for not wanting to be around him.

I was talking to my friends and my mom about this all. After some reflection, I realized that it wasn't him, but me. I was afraid to commit to him. I was afraid to trust him and to let him in, even though I thought I was doing so. I was afraid to be vulnerable with him. So I decided to just set my boundaries and see how things go. During this time of uncertainty, I started talking to the guy who lives about 1.5 hours from me. (Oh yeah! So before I left for my weekend trip, this guy who is my boyfriend now asked me to be exclusive. And then I told the 1.5 hour away guy about it and that I didn't think we should continue talking. The 1.5 hour away guy was understanding and wanted to continue talking, and still wanted to meet. I told him we could still talk but that meeting wasn't a good idea because if things were reversed on him, would he want his new girlfriend meeting some other guy? He agreed. But we hadn't really continued talking about I told him about my boyfriend.) So during my uncertainty about my boyfriend, I started talking to this other guy (1.5 hour away guy/therapist) and he asked about my boyfriend. I told him that I was planning on breaking up with him. After a week, I still didn't breakup with my boyfriend. But I started to feel more certain of him. I didn't want to break up with him anymore. I realized one night while talking to therapist guy that I wanted to let my boyfriend in and to really open up to him. I was not being really honest with him or open with him. I wasn't communicating. I was afraid. I realized that night while on the phone with therapist guy that I was being more open with therapist guy than I actually was with my boyfriend. I told therapist guy that I changed my mind and that I wasn't going to breakup with my boyfriend. I apologized if I led him on and I wished him the best. We agreed to still talk, but I made it clear with him that I was only his friend.

The next night I really opened up to my boyfriend. I told him about how I was going to break up with him and how I started talking to the therapist guy again. I told him about my fears and concerns. I told him my needs. I just poured my soul to him. I wept in his arms. And he held me so fiercely and told me he loved me. He cried in my arms while I wept and confessed how I felt undeserving of him. It felt so good telling him this. This night, I told him that I loved him. We went back to my place and made love. And we fell asleep in each other arms.

The rest is history. I have made significant improvements in communicating with him, and it is working out so perfectly. He's so respectful. I love him. I think I knew him in a past life and that's why he's so familiar to me. That's why things feel so intense with him. And that's why I was so scared. Because I already knew I loved him from the moment I saw him. My soul recognized him.